Posted by: nancykenny | September 19, 2008

Toxic Shock

My initial elation at working on my first professional theatre production (Rabbit Hole at The Gladstone Theatreget your tickets now!) has slowly given way to something else entirely.

I don’t think I realized how much of an adjustment leaving work would be.  My body is scared and it thinks the best way to protect me is by shutting everything down so that I stay safe at home in bed.  I’ve been getting sick.  I wake up in the morning with a lump in my throat.  I feel stuffed up and have trouble eating.  My stomach is constantly rumbling with problems of a bathroom nature; the details of which, I am sure, most of you would prefer if they were kept to myself.  I get anxiety attacks and at times it feels like a twenty pound weight is crushing my ribcage.  My mind wanders.  I forget what I was doing the day, the hour, the minute before.  Last night, I showed up at the theatre not only carrying two very different shoes (one was a high-heeled pump, the other a ballet flat), but they were for the same foot.

My mind and body are rebelling against this new lifestyle change.

I am going into shock.

I’m sure some people are thinking (because a little part of me thinks it too) well, why not give in?  Just get sick and stay in bed for a few days until you get better.  Unfortunately, I can’t do that.  I can’t just take the easy way out anymore and go hide under the covers like a gopher who’s afraid because his shadow is so big.  I can’t rest on my laurels.  I can’t live on a plateau when I know the view is even better if I just keep climbing a little higher.

(How many more mixed metaphors can I squeeze in here?  Let’s see…)

I’ve learned from past experience that the stronger my physical, visceral resistance to something is, the greater and sweeter the reward I receive when I finally manage to overcome it.

My soul knows that I am creating the right path for myself.  Evey time I show up to rehearsal and begin to say my first few lines, suddenly, I don’t feel so sick anymore.  Now if my mind and body could please catch up…


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