Generally, writing a play does not scare me. Not to belittle the job of the playwright (because there is a tremendous amount of work involved), but I can just write something and, if someone decides they like it and want to produce it, I can just sit back and enjoy the show. It doesn’t matter if I’ve revealed a part of myself in the lines or not because no one really sees me in the words. They now belong to the actor speaking them. The problem, or should I say the paralyzing/gut jarring/appetite destroying fear, occurs when that actor also happens to be me.
Maybe it’s because I haven’t done it in so long (last November and counting). Since appearing in Meta Schmeta, I have had many auditions with zero results. It was one of the main reasons I got back into writing – to create something that I could appear in. That said, it’s during these bouts without work that many actors begin to doubt themselves (What am I saying? Actors are always doubting themselves) and I’m no different. I start to think maybe there’s a reason I haven’t been working in so long. You know those thoughts of maybe I’m simply not good enough… Maybe everyone else has come to the realization I’m not really that great of an actor and I’m just oblivious to it all. Yesterday, I had a talk with a friend who mentioned the mistakes an actor keeps making which prevents them from getting work, but their ego is so much in the way that you can’t approach them about it. I couldn’t help wondering: is someone somewhere having that same conversation about me and I’ve just been blind?
My gut tells me that’s not the case, so I carry on. And this summer, I’m laying it all on the line – words and voice. I’ve written a show which I am producing for both the Ottawa and Winnipeg Fringe Festivals (see my Upcoming Appearances page for details). I’ve been blessed with a fantastic director and an amazing scene partner. These people, I’d like to think, would not be working with me if they didn’t believe in the project (they sure as hell aren’t doing it for the money). They’re faith encourages me and reminds me that I also have faith in myself… somewhere… I think it’s near the stomach… I am proud of what we are coming up with in rehearsals and I know already that this production will be ten times better than my last attempt at self-production (live and learn). Success, for me, is just making this happen. I guess I’m on the right track.
Who am I trying to be good enough for anyway?