Posted by: nancykenny | June 10, 2009

The Struggling Artist

I’ve never really loved the term struggling artist because honestly, does the artist really have to be struggling? But currently, I find my situation to be just that.

As I just previously mentioned, I have not gotten work since last November. Incidentally, that was also voluntary work, so in all honesty, I have not gotten paid work since last October. I’ve been getting by on savings and the help of a certain government program, but those savings have now dried up and my ability to use this government program ends in August. While looking for work I’ve had many marvelous opportunities to develop and grow as an artist. Growth that I do not think would have been possible had I been working full-time. I am grateful for the time that has been allocated to me. I’ve written three plays, one of which I am producing myself for the Ottawa and Winnipeg Fringe Festivals, taken a multitude of workshops, traveled all over the province, and met some amazing new people. But now? I’m scared. I’m really f’n scared. For a little while today, I thought I wouldn’t be able to breathe anymore. It felt like someone dropped a rock on my chest and added three sumo wrestlers on top for good measure.

The thoughts that keep running through my mind all involve desk jobs, condo sales, and community theatre… not exactly where I thought I would be.

I’m not looking for sympathy or answers right now. I know that the answers can’t come from anyone but me. Still, I wish my mind would stop racing long enough for me to figure it out.

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Responses

  1. It’s OK to be scared.

  2. Living in a state of terror can be thrilling as well as stressful. I’ll be thinking of you!

  3. I understand how the sort of fear you’re describing can be debilitating, at least temporarily.

    You’ll figure it out. And in the meantime, Sterling is wise — it’s all right that you feel this way.

  4. I am certainly not where I thought I’d be at this point…and I feel like I live in a state of near terror, which rears its ugly head like once a week.

    Remember, “it’s not brave if you’re not scared.”

  5. The trip from super-wicked-awesome to total- suckdom is 2.4 seconds. Turning into the wind is the only way I know to make it back. Thanks for your post, Nancy. I needed it today. Time to adjust my sails.


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