Posted by: nancykenny | July 22, 2010

Confessions of a Scaredy Cat

The moment that I step outside / So many reasons / For me to run and hide.
I can’t do the little things I hold so dear / ‘Cause it’s all those little things / That I fear.

Little confession: I’m afraid.  Of pretty much everything.  I’m afraid of new things, of changes to my routine.  I’m afraid of being stuck in the same place forever.  I’m afraid when I go on trips: afraid that I forgot something, afraid that I might miss my train/plane/automobile, afraid that I might never come back, afraid there’s no one to come back to.   I’m afraid when I drive.  I’m afraid when I get on the bus.  I’m afraid when I’m running down the street.  I’m afraid when I order food that I should have picked the other thing because this one might not be as good.  I’m afraid of new people because they might not like me.  I’m afraid of people I know because they might not like me anymore.

I’m afraid every single time I have to step out in front of people and perform.   Shows, auditions or even just a rehearsal: I am afraid.

I’m so afraid it makes me sick.  Literally sick.  I get stomach problems more frequently than I would care to admit.  I drink pink goop & chew on chalky tablets in the hopes of making it better, but pink goop and chalky tablets don’t make the scare go away.

Some people wonder why I’m always so busy, how I manage to do it all and, now knowing how frightened I am, you probably wonder that too.

The thing is, it’s because I’m afraid that I do so much.  If I didn’t, I would probably still be in bed today, cowering and waiting for the world to end.    But after a while, that gets old.  And boring.  So I get up, chug back some pink goop, slap on a smile and I tell the fear: ” Not today.  Not today.”

Now, if you need me, I’ll be in the bathroom.

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