No one knows what happens next. No one knows really where they will be 5 years from now, next year, next month, next week, tomorrow, 5 minutes from now… But most people have something they can technically hold on to: a job, school, a partner… something they can count on for next little while.
I don’t have any of that.
Class is done and I’m back in Ottawa. For how long, I don’t know. I’ve spent a long night on the bus and slept very little before going to do a short standardized patient gig. But class was good. Better than good. I feel like I’ve grown as an artist, I feel better about upcoming auditions… you know, if there were any. But I still have to be available for when there are…
I thought I would be working tonight, but the job got canceled. More uncertainty. More instability.
I’ve made a to do list. I need money. And my iPhone back. Sometimes I think obstacles get in the way because it’s the Universe’s way of asking: “Do you really want this? Do you? Are you suuuuuuuure? Ok, keep going then. And watch out for that tree.”
Living the life you want can be hard. Many people won’t support it or you. You’ll find yourself alone wondering why you can’t just be happy doing what everyone else is doing. You start to think you’re crazy. And you learn to make food out of variety of random things found in your cupboard, because eating fresh tonight is not a possibility. It could be so easy to just settle into a full-time job. So, so easy. I might do it again someday, who knows?
But you don’t give up. You never give up. Because you want this so so very much. And you’d just hate yourself if you didn’t try.