I feel angry today. Irrationally angry. The kind of angry where seeing nice, happy, beautiful things just seem to piss you off. Like how DARE you majestic view of the Rideau Canal be so gorgeous, peaceful and calm when I feel like a volcano ready to explode. Just fuck right off before I smack you in your smug majestic face with my crash helmet.
I have no reason to be feeling this way. Rehearsal went fairly well today. My team is absolutely amazing, filling the room with laughter and positive reinforcements. But still, I fall prey to fear, anxiety, doubts.
The weather isn’t helping. The cloudy skies are misleading, making it appear colder than it really is. The humidity, once something I relished, now makes an uncomfortable prison of my clothes. I have never loathed all the additional weight I carry around with me more.
My body feels like it’s betraying me, attacking me in a myriad of little ways that just makes me gross all over. This week, people told me I didn’t look very sick. That’s because they caught me in “work mode” where I slap on some makeup, fill my time with tasks and repress repress repress everything that I might think inappropriate or weak.
Tonight, I’m turning off the phone and the emails. I’m going to go hide in the cool darkness of my temporary basement accommodations and let the storm brewing inside rage in relative safety and privacy.
Tomorrow will be what it will be.