It’s been months since I last performed, heck even worked on Roller Derby Saved My Soul. Some days it feels like this lovely adventure that happened to someone else, like memories of my high school graduation or my first grown up relationship. Did I really do that? Did it all really happen? A few days ago, feeling nostalgic, I watched some clips of Buffy the Vampire Slayer online, thinking yes, this is what I need to get back on track and… ZOMG! Was the acting ALWAYS this bad? It was painful. I had to stop watching. I can’t poison my feeling for the show otherwise RDSmS just doesn’t work. So I sat through my archival video instead in order to update my script and found myself scowling.
Really? This is funny? Really?! this is what I want to take on tour across the country? Because I’m not seeing it anymore.
A couple of days ago, I brought my roller skates to acting class and used them in a scene. It felt great. Like slipping into a warm bath or a gentle hug only for your feet. I know, somewhere, deep down, the magic is still there, but I’m just not seeing it anymore. I don’t feel like a creator, an artist, anymore. I feel like an office drone and I’m really not sure how to get out of it. I’m really not sure I even want to do RDSmS anymore…
I miss my team, but we’re in different cities with different things on the go now. I wish I could get us all together for rehearsal. I wish I had a reason to put on the show again, one more time, just to know if I’ve still “got it”.
So I’m asking all my fring-y artist friends who create, produce and perform their own work: does this ever happen to you? How do you deal with it?